When news came through that London is to put on a rival to the Edinburgh Festival Fringe, I was a bit come-on-what's-the-point?, but then I read the quote from the EFF spokesperson.
"We are very relaxed about this," it went. "We have just had the best year ever and we are the pre-eminent open-access arts festival in the world."
"It's no surprise that other cities would seek to copy the model, and we would welcome anyone into the festival community."
Patronising or what. They're obviously rattled. To rub it in we need to open up a new front to confuse the enemy, like Bush did when he invaded Afghanistan instead of Iraq, okay bad example, or when Jordan dumped Alex the Cage Fighter when she was mad at us the audience.
Let's hit them where it hurts and call our one the Edinburgh Festival, too.
It's only fair, because the Scots are about to get a toy shop called Hamleys, which is stealing London's image rights if you ask me. If the legal wallahs get funny, just spell it Edinborough on the posters. That would annoy them even more and suit the way foreigners pronounce it, ensuring their dollars and euros are spent down here.
With that success under our belt, we'd stride on and change the name of the London Film Festival to the Can Film Festival. No-one need bother going to the south of France if we put some fake sand down by the river and pay a shapely blonde to walk up and down. Apparently Jordan is available for a small fee.