London Wins Cheating Gold Medal

Who’d give us the Olympics if the vote was held now? In a summer of extraordinary revelations of cheating across the sporting world, the guilty secret is out: London is the link.

First we had the scandal at Harlequins rugby club in which a player chewed on a blood capsule to get himself subbed, then there was Eduardo of Arsenal’s comedy dive to buy a dodgy penalty and this week QPR overlord Flavio Briatore was forced to quit his other job as boss of the Renault F1 team for making one of his drivers crash for tactical reasons.

The good news is that the 2012 games are obviously going to feature more inventive cheating than boring old drugs.

The track events will be like something out of Wacky Races, a sneaky swimmer will shout “Shark!” to freeze rivals at the pool and the shooting range will be littered with dead bodies.

“Congratulations on winning another gold for Britain,” Sue Barker will say. “How does it feel, to be on the podium, albeit on your own?”

“Well, I feel a bit said for the German girl. She was probably too young to die, but it’s just part of the game these days, since we went professional.”