Put down that sickly pig, kids. Time’s run out to catch swine flu; there will be no summer holiday extension.

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But the good news is there are a couple of cards you can still play to get out of lessons. One of them actually is a card, to be used when you feel a temper blow-out coming on.

“If a kid knows they are about to ‘lose it’, they give their teacher a card to leave the room to calm down,” explained a teacher involved in introducing the scheme.

Perfect. The trouble is the get-out-of-class-free card can only, so far, be played in Scotland.

Don’t despair, though. Down south, we have the start of the free school meals for all primary school kids programme, trialled in Newham, for possible use across London later.

The trick here is for one of the class to make themselves sick after tasting the latest Jamie Oliver-style health food and then the rest are bound to be sent home on the food-poisoning ticket, since you’ve all eaten the same thing.

With luck, the wasted, tainted food goes to feed pigs in time for a fresh bout of swine flu after the Christmas break and you’ll still get the GCSEs, as teacher does those for you anyway.