An ape like him can learn to be human too

It’s great that this new re:route scheme encourages Londoners to walk by the simple method of paying us to do so, but what if you’ve got a load of shopping to do, more than two hands can carry?

Those with time to spare could walk to the shops and back twice and double their money. Most of us, though, wouldn’t go that far, even for a forgotten tin of beans. Given we’re not allowed to drive or get the bus if we want to adhere to the carbon-free message, the obvious answer is to get London Zoo’s chimps to do the heavy lifting, seeing as though they’re “tired of monkeyin’ around” and want to “stroll right into town”.

The zoo could raise much-needed cash by hiring out its primates and, by all accounts, they’re quick learners, some even being capable of understanding simple English sentences such as, “Here, Bubbles, take the heavy bags with all the bottles and I’ll carry the toilet rolls”.

Not that there’s any call for animal cruelty. No, if we gave the chimps iPhones, they could join re:route in their own right and they’d only need to do three trips to afford a nice bunch of bananas. Ooh ooh aah aa-sda price