Meanwhile, at the home for retired spies...




Money made out of this week's Skyfall premiere is going to retired spies from MI5 and MI6. Sounds like a justified bit of payback to real world James Bonds, but how will it work?

Probably Sam Mendes will put on his trench coat and sit himself on a park bench, waiting for a secret sign to make the switch, brown envelope concealed in a copy of The Oldie.

Then a retired spy has to undergo a terrifying chase on a mobility scooter, dodging pushchairs and poodles as some still embittered enemy tries to nab the cash. Just when our man appears to have shaken off the threat to his pension bonus, wouldn't you know it, here comes Sean Connery, muttering about how the Bond legacy should be his and bosh, all goes dark.

Next, Retired Spy wakes up in Connery's evil lair, or Scotland as it's also known, but all is not lost. He remembers this 007s weakness. "Never say never again," he says, raising an eyebrow, and Connery dissolves into a heap of embarrassment.

Cut to the Home for Distinguised Former Spooks (Sponsored by Skyfall) and Retired Spy is lying on his bed, a towel placed strategically over his waist as a pretty nurse hovers nearby. "How would you like your enema today, Gramps?" she asks. "Shaken, not stirred," he replies, with an I-still-got-it wink for the camera.