Human Centipede was stitched up by censors

Human Centipede 2 sounds disgusting, but how much more disgusting is it than Human Centipede 1, which also featured a man who likes to stitch people together, mouth to rear-end? Why was one banned and the other screened regularly on the telly?

To be fair, in the first film the centipede consists of only three people, whereas the second has a 12-person human-insect. The censors are yet to reveal at which point they said, "Enough!", so let's take the mid-point, which is seven and a half.

That's 1,319,175,333 (and a half) fewer than the number of people under threat of mass extermination in the other sequel in the news, Kung Fu Panda 2, whose baddie plans to wipe out the whole Chinese population. Not only that, but he walks around the entire film half-naked as does the hero. Scandalous.

The lesson for Human Centipede director Tom Six could be to switch to cartoons. Horror films are half-way there already, which is why the South Park/Human CentiPad micky-take worked so well and why those extraordinarily gruesome Simpsons Halloween episodes hit the damned spot.

But really, it's a lesson that should be learned by the censors. Once you start down the road of banning things because they are disgusting, one day fat martial arts bears could be next, especially as some viewers might find the schmaltz more sick-inducing than any weird horror moment. As Six says, "It is all fictional. Not real." Now where's my needle and thread...