Londoner

Keira Knightley

Set to star as a lesbian teacher on the West End stage in a revival of The Children's Hour. Banned back in the 1930s, it was later made into a film starring Audrey Hepburn and Shirley MacLaine. American TV star Rosie O'Donnell is rumoured as Keira's love interest.

Lily Allen

Admits she has 'a really stupid list of names' for the baby boy she is carrying, but is worried that 'he'd get the p**s taken out of him on the building site' run by dad Sam. Compromise would be to call the newborn Key, as an Allen Key is always handy for construction work.

Mika's Sister

Paloma Pennima, impaled on railings in Kensington following a 50 feet fall last week, is set to make a miraculous recovery after a series of ops at the Royal London Hospital. 'Things are looking remarkably good considering what happened,' said Mika.

Mick Jagger

After Keith Richards called it a 'tiny todger', Mick's manhood has today had its reputation stiffened by ex-wife Jerry Hall. 'Mick is very well endowed,' she said. 'I should know.'

Cheryl Cole

She and Ashley had a 'great marriage' and 'she will always love him', the X Factor judge tells Piers Morgan in an interview to be broadcast next week. As the song goes, 'If that's a happy marriage, I 'd prefer to stay... unhappy!'

Russell Brand

Would like a time machine as he 'wants to get married in Victorian London'. In the absence of time travel, he said it will be somewhere 'dusty', adding to rumours the wedding to Katy Perry is set for India. Apparently he will arrive on a horse, accompanied by camels and elephants.

Passport Checkers

They're set to cause long delays to travellers at London's airports over the next two days as UK Border Agency staff go on strike in a dispute about changes to shift patterns.

Claire Rayner

She's died, aged 79. Born in the East End, diagnosed as 'insane' when young, she went on to become a nurse, Britain's top agony aunt and a feisty campaigner on health. 'Tell David Cameron that if he screws up my beloved NHS, I'll come back and bloody haunt him,' were the words she said would be her last.

Madonna

The Queen of Pop is moving back to London, two years after she left for New York following the divorce with Guy Ritchie. 'England is where she feels her heart is now,' said a source. She needs to apply for a residence visa first, though.

Johnny Depp

Dressed in full Captain Jack Sparrow kit, the Pirate of the Caribbean turned up to give the assembly at Meridian primary school yesterday. Nine-year-old Beatrice Delap had written asking for help in a mutiny against the teachers. Depp advised against any rebellion.

Sebastian Coe

The London Olympic chief announced today that 100,000 people have already applied to be Games Makers AKA volunteers for the 2012 Games. There are still three weeks left to put yourself forward.

Amy Winehouse

'Look at me, I'm back,' she said at the Hawley Arms in Camden last night, as she did a surprise turn, including songs from her upcoming album, in front of 100 fans at a charity show.

Norman Wisdom

From the back streets of 1920s west London to the bright stage of the West End, by the 50s Wisdom was one of Britain's biggest stars, named by Charlie Chaplin as his 'favourite clown'. He died yesterday aged 95.

Harry Potter

Set for a comeback after author JK Rowling revealed she has plans for books eight and nine. No word on nine and three quarters, though.

M4 Bus Lane

To be scrapped from 24 December 2010. It will make a comeback for the London Olympics in 2012, but is then to be driven into the dustbin of traffic jam history for good.