London
­ The
Coolest City on the Planet?
Guide for
Foreigners on How to Pull London
Guys and Gals
"Pull":
score, get-off with, get sorted, cop-off with, strike it lucky,
etc
Americans
 Good News. American
girls can do no wrong as far as the hot blooded London male is
concerned...
 American guys have
two ways to go; clean cut or grunge...
Germans
 German girls have one
overriding problem as far as winning the hearts of London lads
is concerned...
Let's be
honest about this: German men do not enjoy a great reputation
in London...
Americans
Good News. American
girls can do no wrong as
far as the hot blooded London male is concerned. Whether you're
Ivy League-bright or Valley Girl-dumb, whether you hail from
Malibu Beach, upstate New York or the vast salt flats of Utah,
London lads will pigeon-hole you as an extra from Bay Watch.
What the hell,
this is your chance to act, and be treated, like a bone fide
movie star.
There is no
known exception to this rule, and it is no small wonder that
so few Stateside sweethearts have taken up the offers on offer.
You have the power and can pick and choose your candidates according
to how much coolness they can bestow. Best bet is to go for the
fella with the most gold round his neck and wrists or the one
with the best looking girlfriend. Don't worry, he'll dump her
as soon as you slither up to him and utter, with a strategic
sniff, the words: "I'm lost"
A proven variation
on the little girl lost theme is to play the journalist as in:
"I'm researching a story about the London street scene for
the Washington Post. Could you help?" If an American guy
pulled this stunt, the knowing victim would probably finger him
as a member of the CIA or a recruiting sergeant for the Mormons.
But London fellas have such a stereotyped view of girls from
across the ocean that such a thought would barely register. Instead
their limited mental processes would go something like this:
"American girl=glamour, journalist=liberated, American girl
journalist=sex."
American guys have two ways to go; clean cut or
grunge.
You freshly
spruced Yankee fellas would be surprised how winning is the good
old fashioned all American apple pie grin, newly washed, and
brushed, hair and pocket brim full of crisp dollars.
Girls of all
social classes will respond to your earnest, optimistic tones
and will probably believe you if, on the second date, you tell
them you love them and take them to an expensive restaurant.
Especially if you are a Mormon.
Best of all
is that poor girls will not only cost less to impress but they
will also have the best nose for street places and take inordinate
amounts of pleasure in re-dressing you, against type, in the
latest styles.
Grunge guys
need to play it a bit smarter. Rich English girls, traditionally
suckers for a bit of rough, should present little problem, as
long as you make it subtly clear that you are not really poor
but are sitting on a huge pile of ready-to-be-inherited cash
back in Vermont. But most rich English girls are as hopeless
at finding the street as you are. There are exceptions. The young
Amanda De Cadanet and Liz Hurley, for instance. But many little
rich things could well turn out to be drug dealers' molls.
Trying to bed
down with fellow grungers requires a spot of homework. You must
always be from Seattle, must always talk about the New York Dolls
in hushed tones and must always have just a little bit more dough
on your person than your sponging London counterparts.
Germans
German girls have one overriding problem as far
as winning the hearts of London lads is concerned, and that problem
can be summarised in one handy word: armpits.
Yes, it is
an unfortunate fact that even amongst the cool street set, sexual
liberation has yet to extend to that confusing area under the
shoulder.
Tackle the
problem head on and shave off the offending material before entering
the country, then make sure you bring up your achievement with
razor and gel as early in conversation as politeness allows e.g.
"Hallo, my name is Susanne and I am shaving my armpits"
Once that little
difficulty is negotiated, the way is clear. German girls enjoy
a reputation as being at the vanguard of sexual liberation, which
to normal London blokes means you are easy to get into bed. Don't
knock it, use it. You won't actually have to screw around as
blokes, the stereotyping devils, will think you are doing so
in any case.
Your power
lies in this perception and will undoubtedly allow you to join
up with any set of cool young fellas with ease.
Let's be honest about
this: German men do not enjoy a great
reputation in London; girls here tend to go for the Latin type
over his north European rival and, to make matters worse, they
don't get particularly excited about facial hair.
So, as for
your female counterparts, the first piece of advice would be
to get the shaver out and say goodbye to that hamster who has
chosen to make his home right under your nose.
That's the
bad news out of the way. But there are some stereotypes that
the average London girl finds enticing in the German male. First
is the cold but sensitive Kraftwerk caricature, an image which
has gone down well in cool, arty circles over here ever since
the Bauhaus group picked up their collective pencils.
Then there
is the athlete. There is no doubt that many prospective partners
like a bit of muscle and German success in the sporting arena
has given us the impression that German men must be well endowed
under the skin.
Your best bet
is to combine these two stereotypes so that a muscular frame
conceals a tortured artistic soul or an arty exterior hides a
secretly well-sculptured body.
Swedes
In the 1970s
every single heterosexual man in this city wished for nothing
more out of life than to get their hands on a buxom Swedish girl.
Blame the Blonde One Out Of Abba or blame the magical myth of
blonde hair, but there is no doubt that Swedish girls were the
ultimate sexual turn on for our menfolk.
Even now men
of a certain age will drool over you if, through no fault of
your own, you have Sverige on your passport.
Trouble is,
those kind of likely lads are not part of the cool London set
you wish to hang out with. Worse still, the traditional blonde
and beautiful look may even mark you out as impossibly square.
That's good news for you Swedes who are not blessed with blonde
hair. But for the blondies, another strategy is required. Your
best bet is to dye those luscious locks a dark colour. Red or
green are good, cool choices. Yes, it seems the flame haired
one out of Abba has had her ultimate revenge.
But, believe
us, it only seems that way. The trick is to make sure your true
blondeness shows through at the roots as, though that 70s sex
siren image is a little naff, deep down even street smart boys
want it. And they want it bad.
Let's put it
this way. If cool London girls had to vote for their favourite
Swedish footballers, Martin Dahlin and Henrik Larsson would come
top of the heap.
Given the fact
the vast majority of you look a lot more like Kennet Andersson,
there is a real problem here.
Ordinary girls,
dumb girls, would present few problems. They will love to run
their fingers through your sunkissed blond hair and over your
blemish free skin. And they will be patient as you tell them
honestly that AHA were not from Sweden.
Intellectual
types, too, are easy prey. Considering themselves experts on
Sweden merely because they drive Volvos, they will be happy to
listen to your theories on the problems of deforestation in your
native land.
But if you
want to walk hand in hand with clued-up ladies, all your carefully
placed references to Ingmar Bergman will be wasted. You have
two options. Either pretend to have some close association with
The Cardigans or The Wannadies or pretend to be Danish. For some
reason ­ the beer? ­ your rivals over the Oresund have
a much less uptight image.
Go back to:
London
­ The Coolest City on the Planet?
Intro
You've heard
all that stuff about London being the coolest city on earth...
Get
Thee A Personal Guide
The best way
to see any city is to tag along with people who actually live
there...
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