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 LONDON ENTERTAINMENT GUIDE


London ­ The Coolest City on the Planet?

Guide for Foreigners on How to Pull London
Guys and Gals

"Pull": score, get-off with, get sorted, cop-off with, strike it lucky, etc

Americans

Good News. American girls can do no wrong as far as the hot blooded London male is concerned...

American guys have two ways to go; clean cut or grunge...



Germans

German girls have one overriding problem as far as winning the hearts of London lads is concerned...



Let's be honest about this: German men do not enjoy a great reputation in London...

Americans

Good News. American girls can do no wrong as far as the hot blooded London male is concerned. Whether you're Ivy League-bright or Valley Girl-dumb, whether you hail from Malibu Beach, upstate New York or the vast salt flats of Utah, London lads will pigeon-hole you as an extra from Bay Watch.

What the hell, this is your chance to act, and be treated, like a bone fide movie star.

There is no known exception to this rule, and it is no small wonder that so few Stateside sweethearts have taken up the offers on offer. You have the power and can pick and choose your candidates according to how much coolness they can bestow. Best bet is to go for the fella with the most gold round his neck and wrists or the one with the best looking girlfriend. Don't worry, he'll dump her as soon as you slither up to him and utter, with a strategic sniff, the words: "I'm lost"

A proven variation on the little girl lost theme is to play the journalist as in: "I'm researching a story about the London street scene for the Washington Post. Could you help?" If an American guy pulled this stunt, the knowing victim would probably finger him as a member of the CIA or a recruiting sergeant for the Mormons. But London fellas have such a stereotyped view of girls from across the ocean that such a thought would barely register. Instead their limited mental processes would go something like this: "American girl=glamour, journalist=liberated, American girl journalist=sex."

American guys have two ways to go; clean cut or grunge.

You freshly spruced Yankee fellas would be surprised how winning is the good old fashioned all American apple pie grin, newly washed, and brushed, hair and pocket brim full of crisp dollars.

Girls of all social classes will respond to your earnest, optimistic tones and will probably believe you if, on the second date, you tell them you love them and take them to an expensive restaurant. Especially if you are a Mormon.

Best of all is that poor girls will not only cost less to impress but they will also have the best nose for street places and take inordinate amounts of pleasure in re-dressing you, against type, in the latest styles.

Grunge guys need to play it a bit smarter. Rich English girls, traditionally suckers for a bit of rough, should present little problem, as long as you make it subtly clear that you are not really poor but are sitting on a huge pile of ready-to-be-inherited cash back in Vermont. But most rich English girls are as hopeless at finding the street as you are. There are exceptions. The young Amanda De Cadanet and Liz Hurley, for instance. But many little rich things could well turn out to be drug dealers' molls.

Trying to bed down with fellow grungers requires a spot of homework. You must always be from Seattle, must always talk about the New York Dolls in hushed tones and must always have just a little bit more dough on your person than your sponging London counterparts.

Germans

German girls have one overriding problem as far as winning the hearts of London lads is concerned, and that problem can be summarised in one handy word: armpits.

Yes, it is an unfortunate fact that even amongst the cool street set, sexual liberation has yet to extend to that confusing area under the shoulder.

Tackle the problem head on and shave off the offending material before entering the country, then make sure you bring up your achievement with razor and gel as early in conversation as politeness allows e.g. "Hallo, my name is Susanne and I am shaving my armpits"

Once that little difficulty is negotiated, the way is clear. German girls enjoy a reputation as being at the vanguard of sexual liberation, which to normal London blokes means you are easy to get into bed. Don't knock it, use it. You won't actually have to screw around as blokes, the stereotyping devils, will think you are doing so in any case.

Your power lies in this perception and will undoubtedly allow you to join up with any set of cool young fellas with ease.

Let's be honest about this: German men do not enjoy a great reputation in London; girls here tend to go for the Latin type over his north European rival and, to make matters worse, they don't get particularly excited about facial hair.

So, as for your female counterparts, the first piece of advice would be to get the shaver out and say goodbye to that hamster who has chosen to make his home right under your nose.

That's the bad news out of the way. But there are some stereotypes that the average London girl finds enticing in the German male. First is the cold but sensitive Kraftwerk caricature, an image which has gone down well in cool, arty circles over here ever since the Bauhaus group picked up their collective pencils.

Then there is the athlete. There is no doubt that many prospective partners like a bit of muscle and German success in the sporting arena has given us the impression that German men must be well endowed under the skin.

Your best bet is to combine these two stereotypes so that a muscular frame conceals a tortured artistic soul or an arty exterior hides a secretly well-sculptured body.

Swedes

In the 1970s every single heterosexual man in this city wished for nothing more out of life than to get their hands on a buxom Swedish girl. Blame the Blonde One Out Of Abba or blame the magical myth of blonde hair, but there is no doubt that Swedish girls were the ultimate sexual turn on for our menfolk.

Even now men of a certain age will drool over you if, through no fault of your own, you have Sverige on your passport.

Trouble is, those kind of likely lads are not part of the cool London set you wish to hang out with. Worse still, the traditional blonde and beautiful look may even mark you out as impossibly square. That's good news for you Swedes who are not blessed with blonde hair. But for the blondies, another strategy is required. Your best bet is to dye those luscious locks a dark colour. Red or green are good, cool choices. Yes, it seems the flame haired one out of Abba has had her ultimate revenge.

But, believe us, it only seems that way. The trick is to make sure your true blondeness shows through at the roots as, though that 70s sex siren image is a little naff, deep down even street smart boys want it. And they want it bad.

Let's put it this way. If cool London girls had to vote for their favourite Swedish footballers, Martin Dahlin and Henrik Larsson would come top of the heap.

Given the fact the vast majority of you look a lot more like Kennet Andersson, there is a real problem here.

Ordinary girls, dumb girls, would present few problems. They will love to run their fingers through your sunkissed blond hair and over your blemish free skin. And they will be patient as you tell them honestly that AHA were not from Sweden.

Intellectual types, too, are easy prey. Considering themselves experts on Sweden merely because they drive Volvos, they will be happy to listen to your theories on the problems of deforestation in your native land.

But if you want to walk hand in hand with clued-up ladies, all your carefully placed references to Ingmar Bergman will be wasted. You have two options. Either pretend to have some close association with The Cardigans or The Wannadies or pretend to be Danish. For some reason ­ the beer? ­ your rivals over the Oresund have a much less uptight image.



Go back to:

London ­ The Coolest City on the Planet?

Intro

You've heard all that stuff about London being the coolest city on earth...

Get Thee A Personal Guide

The best way to see any city is to tag along with people who actually live there...

Americans | Germans




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