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Archer's London
London's Top Sights by the
Man Who Would Not be Mayor
Jeffrey Archer has disappointed
his many fans by pulling out of the race to become London's Mayor.
Luckily, LondonNet has resurrected the great liar's career by
'commissioning him' to produce a unique tourist guide to our
great city.
British Museum
Closed for extensive refurbishments. On New Year's Day 2000 a
giant helicopter will hoist the Millennium Dome from its temporary
Greenwich home and use it to flatten once and for all the rotten
walls of this dilapidated museum. The Elgin Marbles, my personal
property, will then be allowed back into the open air, available
for deprived school children to use at playtime.
Buckingham Palace
My London home. Please put brown envelopes containing used bank
notes through the letterbox.
St Paul's Cathedral
Built by St Paul on one of his many trips to London from stones
dug out of the road to Damascus, this intimate church represents
the first flowerings of first millennium post-modernism. The
famous Whispering Gallery houses original phonographic recordings
of Jesus's Sermon on the Mount (penned by myself, of course),
the audibility of which has deteriorated with age, thus producing
the trademark 'whispering' effect.
Soho
Sorry, I still associate the area with prostitution, so I've
never been there.
The Tower of London
Once home to London's punk movement (which I led), ironically
The Tower is now more famous for the evangelical Christian sects
which stage 'faith leaps' into the Atlantic Ocean from its ramparts.
Hardhats, supplied for a small fee by one of my many successful
companies, are recommended.
Theatreland
London is famous for the many plays and shows which adorn its
thousands of stages. Unfortunately I've never had much time for
fantasy and storytelling, myself.
Trafalgar Square
Renegade Egyptians, bored with the dominant triangle/pyramid
culture of their homeland, set sail for London where, under my
own direction, they constructed a number of stunning squares
and cubes, the only remaining example of which is Trafalgar,
named after an aboriginal nymph-goddess who turned into a thousand
pigeons when she broke a vow of chastity.
Leyton Orient
The World's most successful football team derives its name from
a tunnel dug by striking Chinese paddy field workers in the late
17th century from Nanking to east London. Leyton Orient recently
built a new 2,200,000 capacity stadium, funded by me, in which
they plan to host the Solar System Cup against Uranus Browns
next week.
Next, Jeffrey brings you the
first installment of his landmark series on the history of our
city, 'And Jeffrey Created London'.
Guide
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