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4 October 2001
Issue 89
AHOY! It's the LondonNet Newsletter...

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- London for free
- Theatre: Ophelia
- War Words Decoded

- Hotels
- Music
- Theatre
- Clubs
- Cinema
- Latest news from London
- "Must-see" pages on LondonNet

- Club tickets
- Readers say their piece
- Help us to help you
- Linking to LondonNet
- Sponsoring AHOY
- Subscribe to AHOY! list
- Unsubscribe from AHOY! list

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WHAT'S UP - What's new on LondonNet…

CLUB COMPIE - Skin Two Expo and Rubber Ball

Sat-Mon October 6-8
Win a weekend pass to the world's biggest design fetish fair at the Barbican and the Skin Two Rubber Ball at Hammersmith Palais!
Click here for competition details.


OUR resident theatre critic, Helena 'Spid' Thompson, is staging her latest play; Ophelia, at Jackson's Lane next month (Nov 9,10 and 11). Being the modest creature she is, Helena is being a little reluctant to blow her own trumpet and promote the show in these pages. So I'm going to do it for her!

Tickets (9 pounds each) for this tale of love, betrayal and suicide are now on sale, for details call 020 8949 5363 or email: [email protected].

Rest assured the LondonNet office will be present in force (on Sunday 11th Nov) and I would like as many of you to come along as possible. See you there!
Peter D. Clee

Theatre Bookings:
To book tickets for all West End shows call (020) 8949 5363 (from U.K.)
++44 20 8949 5363 (from overseas)
Our ticket office is open 9-5.30 Mon to Fr
i and 9.30-12.30 Sat
[email protected]

LONDON DIARY by David Clee

War Words Decoded

Confused by some of the opaque language used in the build up to war? Us too. Luckily, we have access to a secret code de-encryption programme with which we have been able to translate some important phrases for you:

In Afghanistan…

Official Phrase: Fatwa.
Explanation: The Taliban's word is law.

Official Phrase: Jihad.
Explanation: God's word is law, unless it contravenes the Taliban's word, in which case we rip that page out of the Koran.

Official Phrase: Osama bin Laden.
Explanation: Not known at this address.

Official Phrase: Map.
Explanation: A flat thing made of paper with lots of nice coloured lines on it. No help whatsoever in locating he-who-shall-not-be-named.

Official Phrase: Northern Alliance.
Explanation: Building society with branches decked out in retro mountain-cave paraphernalia.

In the Freedom Loving Countries of the World...

Official Phrase: The attack on the US was an attack on all civilised countries.
Explanation: Here's the thing: if you don't side with us, bub, we'll make sure you won't have a civilisation left.

Official Phrase: We have incontrovertible evidence.
Explanation: Some guy in an internet chat-room said his cousin told him…

Official Phrase: This is not a war on Islam
Explanation: We still need the oil, for chrissakes.

David Clee ([email protected])

News Headlines

- Music
- Theatre
- Clubs
- Cinema

HOTEL NEWS by Peter D. Clee

LIFE is beginning to get back to normal in London's hotel trade.

However, those hoping for a rapid return to full-on normalcy will, I fear, be disappointed. Some have compared the impact of 11 September 2001 to the Gulf War. My reluctantly formed opinion is that things will take much longer. I have visited a good proportion of our featured hotels over the past fortnight and the news from the front is one of resigned pessimism.

Whatever, I think it's only natural to take a breather and postpone planned travel arrangements. Rest assured, the smart hoteliers will be busy refurbishing and sprucing up their properties ready for the eventual pick-up in trade.

This is normally a very busy time in London with business travel enjoying its annual bulge. Not this year though. So it goes without saying that this is a good time to pick up a good deal at just about any hotel in town. You know where to find us when you're ready...
Peter Clee ([email protected])

This week's hit-parade of the most popular hotels featured in our secure-booking site:

LondonNet's Top Five Hotels*:
1 (-) The Chesterfield
2 (1) The Columbia
3 (3) La Reserve
4 (4) Royal Garden
5 (-) St James's Club
(*based on bookings between 20 September - 3 October 2001. Previous issue's figures in brackets)

Related links
For the full range of London hotels now on offer please see:
For details of our office hours and contact info see our Helpdesk page at:
For details of over 300 European city hotels available on our sister site see:
Wishes: With a luxury hotel break up for grabs in each issue plus features and news, it's time to get your copy of Wishes,'s regular newsletter. To subscribe click here:

LONDON MUSIC by Catherine Chambers

Mind Your Head
Royal Festival Hall
October 10 - 19

Mind Your Head? They're not kidding. This aptly titled event is a sonic trip of mind-blowing proportions with music so 'way out' there that stoned hippies would be scratching their bonces in brow-furrowing frustration.

Celebrating the 'fascination of altered states that emerged from 1960s subculture', Mind Your Head throws together contemporary and classic artists in the cosmic melting pot for a series of concerts taking place over the coming weeks.

Having already played host to those pot headed pixies Gong, Japan's Acid Mother Temple and ambient experimentalists The Orb, the Royal Festival Hall is bracing itself for veteran space-rockers Hawkwind on Wednesday October 10. One of, if not the oldest band of the event having been slogging it for a good thirty odd years now, Hawkwind will be joined on stage by 'God Of Hellfire' Arthur Brown and Blur's Graham Coxon. Add N To X support.

More brain-frying fodder is on hand with Faust, headlining on Friday October 12. Tunes? This is drug music you might well not be saying having absorbed enough psychedelic acid-rock for a lifetime. But something more tuneful this way comes in the form of The Pretty Things (joined by Arthur Brown and Pink Floyd's David Gilmour) and The Soft Boys on October 19.

Turn on, Tune in, Wig out!

LondonNet's Top Ten Gigs of the month
Sneak preview: -

Shepherds Bush Empire
October 7/8

Noel 'n' Liam get relatively intimate with some loudmouth guitar action over two nights. Unless you've been living under a rock/kidnapped by aliens/locked in the bathroom with a copy of Viz, you'll be fully aware that it sold out, like, ages ago

2)New Order
Brixton Academy
October 11-12

New album! Old tricks! New Order return a brand new opus (their first in 8 years!) entitled Get Ready' which harks back to the classic sound they patented in the 80s - and on some tracks, even Joy Division. Check out the heavily rotated single Crystal with Peter Hook's meandering bass solo, for proof.

Royal Albert Hall
October 12

Nottingham based rockers and purveyors of dark romantic pop in the vein of Scott Walker and Leonard Cohen. New album Can Our Love is out now.

Check out the full list and gig listings for the next sixth months at:

Related Links:
Music Tickets:
You can book tickets for many of the top gigs in London through our online ticket shop:
For our music guide see:

LONDON THEATRE by Helena 'Spid' Thompson

In the spotlight

Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome! Cabaret comes to town as part of the Octoberfest, with a host of international and London-based performers who invite you to have a beer and enjoy the performance. Just like Liza Minnelli, these unthespy entertainers know what to do when war and economic collapse threaten.

Not that their shows are all singing and strutting. Under the influence of acrobatics, mime, dance, film and circus, cabaret has transformed since the 1930s into a funky new art form fit to revamp the stuffy old image of theatre.

Far removed from the beloved classics of so many hammy actors, all you can expect from the smorgasboard of 10 minute acts running until October 28 is surprise. All I can say is that my piece about female madness is first up on October 14.

And the cabaret venue? The Bethnal Green Arch may lack the seedy allure of Liza's Kit-Kat club, but the permanent base of award-winning company SHUNT has attracted its own cult following. Book on [email protected] for your free night out, and say goodbye to falling asleep in the theatre.

(Psst here's a little plug:, My own play, Ophelia, is at Jackson's Lane November 9,10 and 11 - tickets for this tale of love, betrayal and suicide are now on sale, call 020 8949 5363 for details or email me: [email protected]).

Up and Coming
A day in the death of Joe Egg, the New Ambassadors Theatre, Leicester Square tube

Don't let the title put you off. This taboo-shattering sixties comedy deservedly made its name as a classic.

Private Lives, the Albery theatre, Leicester Square tube
Noel Coward's romantic comedy of estranged divorcees who fall in love again stars Alan Rickman in the role originally played by Coward himself.

Theatre Choice
Best Play:
Stones in his Pockets - Hollywood comes to provincial Ireland in this hilarious two-hander from Marie Jones
Best Musical: Cats - Lloyd Webber tames Eliot's feline poems
- For details, tickets and reviews see:

LondonNet's Top Five Shows*:
1 (2) Mamma Mia!
2 (1) The Lion King
3 (4) My Fair Lady
4 (3) Phantom of the Opera
5 (5) Cats
(*based on bookings between 20 September - 3 October 2001. Previous issue's figures in brackets)

Related Links:
London Theatre Menu
London Theatre Tickets

LONDON CLUBS by Catherine Chambers

Club Night of the week:

10th Skin Two Rubber Ball
Monday October 8
Hammersmith Palais

Fetishism comes to London next weekend as fetish designers Skin Two celebrate a decade of delicious decadence with four days of pure fetish indulgence - climaxing with the 10th Skin Two Rubber Ball.

Purveyors of the latest S&M fashion, Skin Two are behind the shenanigans spicing up London's nightlife next weekend. Kicking off the whole shebang is London's renowned fetish club Torture Garden at Brixton's Mass, on Friday from 10pm-6am.

There'll be a night of intimate clubbing at the first robotic club, Cynthia's Cyber Bar near London Bridge on Saturday at 11pm-3am. Then it's the big one - the 10th Skin Two Rubber Ball, which takes place at the Hammersmith Palais on Monday October 8. Such is its high profile, previous balls have attracted a number of celebrity guests including Mick Jagger and Jean Paul Gaultier.

For the uninhibited, the rubber ball is a glittering event in which thousands dressed in their wildest fantasy outfits. Expect space creatures and dominatrixes, not to mention a plethora of rubber and leather. The more outrageous the outfit the better - street clothing is strictly forbidden!

Skin Two Rubber Ball isn't just about handcuffs and corsets - it also raises money for a good cause - this year money raised goes in support of Crusaid, which helps people with AIDS and HIV.

For tickets call 020 7627 3332. More info:

See compie below for your chance to win tickets to the Rubber Ball!

Related Links:
Club Menu
Club Tickets - You can now book tickets for many of the top clubs in London through our online ticket shop:
Club Previews

LONDON CINEMA by Catherine Chambers

Film of the Week:

Amelie ****
Director Jean-Pierre Jeunet

Sweet, funny and magical tale of a young woman who helps right wrongs of ordinary Parisians. (15)

Film Trailers New!
Yeehah! Our film section now contains trailers of some of the hottest upcoming films. You'll need a 'Window Media Player' (free download details on our site) and then you're ready to roll. Previews include:

Legally Blonde (Released: October 26)
Who says all blondes are dumb?
Elle (Reese Witherspoon) leaves her bubblegum world behind and takes on law school to win her man back.

Ghost World (Released: November 16)
High school pals Enid and Rebecca find their friendship pushed to the limits when they run into adulthood - and blokes.
For details go to:

New Films
Cinema Menu
Film Listings - Full London listings with our easy to use guide


News from London

News Headlines
Blair Flies Out to Repair Cracks in Alliance
- Strikes delayed until wide support can be guaranteed
- 'Keeping everyone on board is complicated,' says US source
Craig David to Miss Mobo's
- R&B star cancels appearance at awards after US events

News Talkback


LondonNet Home: The big kahuna
LondonNet News Headlines: Award winning updates from the capital of cool
Guide to London: "The must-see guide for visitors to London" -
Hotel Shop: LondonNet's selection of the best hotels in town
Ticket Shop: Theatre and Music Bookings and Helpdesk
Out on the Town: LondonNet's entertainment listings and features
Hotelgenie: Fine European city hotels


Win A Weekend Pass To Fetish Heaven
Skin Two Expo 2001
Skin Two Rubber Ball
Sat-Mon October 6-8
Win a weekend pass to the world's biggest design fetish fair at the Barbican and the Skin Two Rubber Ball at Hammersmith Palais!

Qu: Just tell us the fetish design company behind the event - the clue is in the name! Email us at [email protected]

HOW TO ENTER: All you have to do is send an email with your answer and the subject header "Skin Two Compie" to:
[email protected]
NB Include email, telephone number and postal address (which will only be used for this compie-guaranteed). If you don't include your address we can't send you the prize!

RULES and INFO: Best answer out of the Editor's hat wins a prize, details will be sent to the winner. The Editor's decision is final. Closing Date: 5 October 2001.

Last Issues Competition Winners:
(22 September 2001, Ahoy)

Soul [email protected] of Sound
Mary-Jane O'Neill, Horun Meah, Colin Petrevich

Woman & Home Experience Compie
Micaela Ramos (London, NW10), Jags Virdi (Southall, Middlesex), Helen King (London, W1), lindy pyrah (London SW1), Natalie Jackson (Letchworth, Herts)
The following win free entry.
Sam Morpeth (Brixton, SW2), Ms K.Evdokimova (London, N19), Pia Turcinov (Teddington, Middx), Helena Engstrand (London, W2), Michelle Klarkowski (London, NW6), Mrs Lorraine Webb (Thame, Oxon), cath anderson (London, somewhere), Pamela Brannigan (Sketty, Swansea), assie.fitzsimmons (London, SW9), Rob Morley (Newquay, Cornwall)

Classical Compie:
23rd September 2001 Purcell Room
Jane Holiday (London SW17), Mageeta Taylor (London NW1), Stephen Andrews (London SE5), Fiona Madock (London SW1)
3rd October September 2001 St John's Smith Square
Mike Gresk (Wheaton, USA), Cecile Marichal (Brussels, Belgium) Elizabeth Turner (London, NW1), Scott Wilton (London NW6)


AHOY! Readers say their piece: Send mail to [email protected]
Notes: The Editor reserves the right to amend your contributions for reasons of elegance, space, legality and plain sheer bloodymindedness. The following letters have been received direct here at Ahoy! Talkback or on our News Talkback forum. Join the diverse debate by sending us an email or posting a message on the forum:
We welcome your views on any subject, questions about your visit and of course feedback about the newsletter or website.

Dear Sirs;

Please know, that I have no information but lots of healthy curiosity.

I have observed something that may or may not be of any consequence, but just want someone, who has Diana's interest at heart, to be aware of:

When looking at TV the other day, I observed that the car that was found in an airport (and had been rented or owned by the terrorist)was a small white model. So, now, I'm sitting here wondering if there is any connection with that information and the small white car that was evidentially responsible for the death of Diana. In other words, I am wondering about the possibility that the al Qaeda was responsible for Diana's death.

If I am not mistaken, I believe the car here in America, was a rental and that it was found in the Boston airport. The authorities found documents in the car which had belonged to the terrorist.

I am not suggesting that the little white car at the American airport was the same vehicle, I just find it interesting that the car at the scene of Diana's death, that was never found, is very similar....if not the car driven by the terrorist here in America.

Mrs. Renfrow

Diana Conspiracy Theories:


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