5 July 2001
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LONDON for FREE: CD Giveaway
LONDON FEATURE: On Your
Of course it can get real hot riding around in Ken's underground cattle trucks. But there is a cheap, convenient and environmentally friendly alternative: The Bicycle.
Many people have a fear of cycling, particularly in the big smoke. So we invited occasional LondonNet contributor and bike nut Neville Horley to gives us his tips on riding around the capital in safety.
for LondonNet's Guide to Safe Cycling in the Capital.
If your travel on the underground is unavoidable, David's London Diary has some useful tips for keeping cool on the tube. Click here.
MY FAIR LADY: We have tickets...
MADONNA @ EARL's COURT:
We have tickets......
Sorted: We Rise to the Mayor's
Challenge on Hellishly Hot Tube Journeys
Generous London Mayor Ken Livingstone has put up a reward of UKP10,000 for anyone who can come up with a solution to the stultifying heat suffered by passengers on some Underground trains.
For obscure technical reasons, like there being no cash left in the kitty after paying the rent on Tube chief Bob Kiley's swanky new house, conventional air-conditioning is not a runner on deep lying lines, so Ken wants us to think laterally about this one.
Here are my carefully costed suggestions:
1. Sweat bands to be given
out free with every ticket. In step with the never-ending 70s
revival, these could then become the height of street fashion,
rather than be stuck in their current role as the only interesting
thing about Tim Hedman. Cost: Free if we can get Adidas to sponsor
2. Buy in a job lot of hand-fans, like the ones used by taxi drivers in Greece. When set at full-throttle and cunningly concealed in your pocket, these are also useful as a deterrent against quick-fingered fellow-passengers. Cost: 12 bottles of Uzo and 20 of those funny cigarettes with cardboard filters.
3. Teach all inhabitants of London the face-cooling 'stick your bottom lip out and blow' technique I spotted being practised to great effect by an old lady on the Northern line. The bonus here is you get to find out if you have bad breath. Cost: The old lady says she'll show us how it's done if someone helps her with her bags.
4. Make Spanish-style fans out of discarded (aren't they all?) copies of Metro. Cost: Free.
5. Replace all in-train adverts with pictures of Jeffrey Archer - sure to send a big chill down anyone's back. Cost: Archer pays London Underground UKP6 billion for the publicity, funding all planned infrastructure investment.
6. Couples. Lick the sweat off your partner to obtain heat -relief and provide a welcome sexual sideshow for bored fellow-travellers. Cost: UKP9.50 per person for the dry cleaning.
7. On the scientific grounds that every human being emits the equivalent of one bar of an electric fire, it should be legal to kill fellow passengers if the train stops in a tunnel for more than one minute. First to go, obviously, would be that meaty bloke who broke the strict Underground code and used arm-rests to either side of his seat yesterday. Cost: UKP10 per body bag, though, dyed silver and cleaned a bit, these could later be used by contestants in the London Marathon.
REGULAR readers of AHOY! will know that I would never say there is a bad time to visit London.
With my prejudice borne in mind please don't think that I'm crying wolf when I say this summer is a great time to visit London. Thanks to the unwelcome combination of a global economic cool down and Spring's foot and mouth outbreak, hotel bookings are down across the capital. Bad news for our hotel friends indeed. But where there's ying there's yang. High availability means low prices in many hotels. And to top it all the capital is basking in a very un-London-like heatwave. So save a few notes and this year swap the mediterranean for the metropolitan.
Here are some of the exclusive deals available through the summer to LondonNet readers:
The Gore Hotel, Kensington
St James's, Piccadilly
The Montague, Bloomsbury
The Commodore, Lancaster
Rubens, Buckingham Palace
This week's hit-parade of the most popular hotels featured in our secure-booking site:
LondonNet's Top Five
First impressions of Weezer, it has to be said, didn't measure up to much. Four nerdy looking geeks whose annoying ditty 'Buddy Holly' somehow launched them into star status and gave them, gulp, credibility.
When someone recommended their
new LP, The Green Album to me, I merely scoffed and shoved the
offensive record back in their hands with vigour. Then I stumbled
across a rocking song called Hash Pipe, (Half Pipe in the US)
which was my personal single of that week. It was to my great
astonishment followed by cries of 'It can't be!' on discovering
that the geniuses behind the song were, in fact, none other than
those speccy geeks I loathed so much! How could this be?
The Green Album, the LA fourpiece's first long-player since 96's Pinkerton is crammed full of corking tunes, with Hash Pipe being a diamond in a ocean-full of gems. Each song comes perfectly wrapped in breathless harmonies and to-die-for hook-lines welded together with metallic guitars.
While they're hardly going to cull the Blink 182's of the world - they share the same corporate punk ballpark after all - there's much about Weezer's crunchy three-minute pop that is hopelessly addictive. Resistance is futile.
Sat July 7 Icarus Line,
Sun July 8 Party In The
Park, Hyde Park
Sun July 8 Kilburn Festival,
Grange Park Free
New! Music Feature
In the spotlight
Though only the world-weary would dare to miss LIFT, don't despair if you feet have been firmly planted on the ground through out the London International Festival of Theatre. Uniting established and new international artists in honour of its tenth birthday, the heady mix of installations, lectures and events in a range of site-specific venues around London continues over the weekend.
For those hungry for unusual drama a collection of new plays from Uganda can be caught at the Royal Court. And Battersea Arts Centre is still hosting performances on the subject of childhood and censorship. But if what you're really up for is the festival's after party, then the Lift Club next to Blackfriars Bridge is where informal gatherings between artists and the public really take off.
Interactive theatre groups like Shunt, Rotozaza and Forced Entertainment will be bidding the festival farewell aboard none other than the HMS president pleasure cruiser beside Blackfriars Bridge. With cabaret, alcohol and plenty of music on offer, there's the opportunity to dance, drink and participate in a new piece of autotheatre about male-female relationships. Drunk, sober, or just plain in love, you're sure to be carried away.
Up and Coming
LondonNet's Top Five
My Fair Lady
Club Night Of The Week:
Soul Movement @ Clinic
Here at LondonNet we like nothing
more than to trumpet the news of a brand spanking new club night,
and this week we've been creaming ourselves over Soul Movement
at The Clinic.
While Soul Movement has been around for some time, having celebrated its 4th birthday party in June, it now moves to a brand new venue as the 'Movement and the Militant Soul Militia bring the party to the Clinic on a mission to 'revolutionise London clubland by providing top quality house music for real music lovers and serious party animals.'
For the opening night, Soul Movement have roped into DJs from across the pond from Denver, Colorado are the Pound Boys. It's a rare intimate appearance from the Boys who are renowned for their soulful vocals and have lent their DJ talents around Europe and the US. Soulful Movement's Resident DJs Alan Russell (Black Vinyl Records) and Gee Llewellyn will be behind the decks.
Saturday July 7th, Vanity
Flair First Birthday, Pacific Edge 9-2am UKP6
New! Club Feature
Film of the Week:
Other New Releases:
Aimee and Jaguar ****
Welcome to the section where
Ahoy! readers submit their top tips for visitors to London and
visitors ask for help. To ask a question or submit a tip for
your fellow readers send us an email to:
Hello London Tips,
When you referred to "smart" dress for areas like S. Ken, Chelsea, etc., does this mean that jeans or casual cargo-pants are not worn by the mid-30s crowd there anymore? Haven't been to London in over 5 years, but I seem to recall King's Road, and S. Ken as being a bit less "stodgy" than 'new millenium money' might dictate.
I'm due to attend a conference as well in September (and will be staying in S. Ken), but plan on doing my share of walking, and pub crawling, etc., around greater London. Being from San Diego, CA, we usually don't worry too much about tucking in shirts or whether one's socks match, etc.
Then again, one hates to be pegged for a Seppy Tourist when in London...... call it cosmopolitan pride or somesuch.
Any advice would be appreciated.
REPLY: Fret not 'Cagey'. These
days you can wear just about what you want even when strolling
around posh areas like S. Ken. If you want to dine in a fancy
restaurant you may find a limited dress restriction, shirt and
trousers (not jeans). Sometimes a tie and jacket are required
(eg afternoon tea at The Ritz). Having said that, by camouflaging
yourself up in the local clobber you will be robbing Londoners
of one of their favourite past times - tourist spotting. So our
tip is grunge up and be yourself. (Ed).
News from London
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RULES and INFO: First out of the Editor's hat win a prize, details will be sent to the winners. The Editor's decision is final. Closing Date: 12 July 2001.
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ED's NOTE: It's coming around to the fourth anniversary of the old dear's death, so it's little surprise that our Diana mailsack is starting to fill again.
I'd like to say that i love the London net stories about Diana. Please continue with it! I have a question too, i would like to have the address and phone number of Diana's former lover Major James Hewitt. Could you mail it to me?
Thank you very much.
REPLY: What you want to do,
whisper sweet nothings squwidgy style? (Ed)
As I write this e-mail, Diana's 40th birthday (had she lived) is just around the corner. I know one of these years I will go to Althorp.
It seems to me that everytime
her birthday, July 1st or her demise, August 31st, the tabloids
are cranking it up with more stories, which are probably bogus,
to the people around the world. Is it the work of the queen?
Nobody will find out in the near future. Maybe that's the reason
why there is no true memorial of her in London. Many people around
the world have tried to convince Tony Blair into having one built
with no success. That is very sad. Just because we live in a
new millennium does not mean that Diana should be forgotten.
I believe from what I heard that there was more support here
in the United States to have a memorial built that there is over
there in Great Britain. I may be wrong but we should all team
up to give one more effort to get it built.
REPLY: Gary, relax, plans are
afoot to build a 20 million rose garden dedicated to (fittingly
enough) 'England's Rose' Diana (Ed)
Point of Law
Subject: The theory about Diana
George Michael - Dodi was a silent partner for Sony
and Diana had
Gerri Halliwell - Geri is really Gary. Secret Sex tool of George and Sir Elton. Spurned on by coke laced semen, she and Griff Rhys Jones chased them into a wall.
Griff Rhys Jones - Men will do anything for a blow job.
Robbie Williams - Innocent bystander bisexual with a penchant for marsupial buggery. (Kylie Minogue)
The Queen - Man hating monarch, Elizabeth, was bitterly upset when called a posh slag by the late Princess. Enraged that when her divorce was complete, Diana intended to see William and Harry on a regular basis. Fuelled by booze, the Royal screamed "someone kill that fucking nursery nurse!" As Sir Elton still owed her a favour for his Knighthood, the pair set to work.
As you can see, this is as credible as the "Lizard Mindreading Brotherhood" (David Icke) or MI6 or MFI doing it because she found out the Welsh started the Falklands war. If it seems a little far fetched, remember that David Hasselhoff reunited Germany to increase his record sales and Phil Collins shot a train driver to death on film to become an actor. As for Robert Downey Jnr, who is also Jose Escobar, the biggest and toughest drug dealer and kitten pedalling operator this side of the peso.
For more facts and hidden knowledge,
please contact me
Chris aka Marmalade McStiffer
REPLY: Well researched, compelling
and incisive? Maybe not. Funny? Most certainly. We'll stick with
a drunk driver and dodgy Mercedes build quality though thanks.
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