LondonNet Homepage
12 April 2001
Issue 76
AHOY! It's the LondonNet Newsletter...

Click here for Online Version of AHOY!


- London for Free
- Romeo and Juliet
- My Fair Lady tickets
- P.R. Position Vacant

- Hotels
- Music
- Theatre
- Clubs
- Cinema
- London Tips
- Latest news from London
- "Must-see" pages on LondonNet

- Win Bridget Jones merchandise
- Readers say their piece
- Help us to help you
- Linking to LondonNet
- Sponsoring AHOY
- Subscribe to AHOY! list
- Unsubscribe from AHOY! list

©Copyright Adonis 1996-2004. LondonNet and AHOY! are published by Adonis, London, UK.
© The names, words and styles AHOY!, LondonNet, londonnet, Londonnet, London Net and associated logos are all Copyright Adonis.
® All Rights Reserved

WHAT'S UP - What's new on LondonNet…

LONDON for FREE: Bridget Jones
TO CELEBRATE the launch this Easter weekend of the Bridget Jones movie we have a whole bunch of BJ merchandise to giveaway. Prizes vary from T-shirts to Diaries and Eye packs. Click here for competition details.

LONDON DANCE: Romeo and Juliet
OUR FRIENDS down at the Royal Albert Hall have set aside a whole pile of top draw tickets for June's run of Prokofiev's ballet Romeo and Juliet. This acclaimed English National Ballet production only plays for 11 nights so be sure to book your tickets soon.
For more info see:
To book tickets (020) 8949 5363 (from U.K.)
++44 20 8949 5363 (from overseas)
Our ticket office is open 9-5.30 Mon to Fri and 9.30-12.30 Sat
Or visit the Classical Ticket page:

LONDON THEATRE: My Fair Lady Tickets
WE HAVE a selection of tickets for the hit show My Fair Lady's run at the Theatre Royal Drury Lane (August to November 2001). The latest incarnation of My Fair Lady starring Martine McCutcheon has been well received by fans and critics alike.
To book, call us on:
(020) 8949 5363 (from U.K.)
++44 20 8949 5363 (from overseas)
Our ticket office is open 9-5.30 Mon to Fri and 9.30-12.30 Sat
Or visit the Theatre Ticket page:

LONDON DIARY by LondonNet's Editor David Clee:

P.R. Position Vacant

We like to help our readers wherever possible, so this week we have suspended the usual column to bring you a job advert on behalf of Sloane Communications, one of London's leading PR agencies who are desperate to fill a recently vacated position.

Sloane are keen to avoid unnecessary applications and have stipulated that those wishing to apply for their high-pay/low-hours job should complete the following questionnaire.

1. En route to an important client meeting, you bump into an Arab sheik in a top London hotel. What is your response?
A) Say you'll do anything in rubber if he gives you the keys to his gold plated Rolls.
B) Ask how his racehorses are faring this season.
C) Insist on filling him in on your views of leading members of the government.

2. There's just about time for a haircut before your first meeting of the day at 4.00pm. Do you ask the coiffeur to shape your barnet in the style of:
A) David Beckham?
B) That smartly-dressed one off of breakfast TV with the annoying voice?
C) Princess Diana (not that you want to cadge off her glamorous memory, of course not)?

3. It is clear you will have to flirt to win the business of an important new client. Do you:
A) Grab him in the crotch region, adopt a wide-eyed look and say 'Wow!'?
B) Tactfully undo an extra button of your blouse?
C) Show him some topless pictures of you with TV's Chris Tarrant?

4. Your mother-in-law phones you on your mobile during an important client lunch. Your next move?
A) Yawn, roll your eyes in boredom and whisper 'It's only the old dear on the blower again.'
B) Explain politely that you are in a meeting and that you'll call back later.
C) Make it clear, through brazen name-dropping, that you have been wise enough to marry into one of the country's leading families.

5. A highly creative launch party - held in a delightful mock up of an abattoir - for a range of shapeless waxed jackets with corduroy collars, is going particularly well. Then someone asks your views on foot and mouth. What do you say?
A) 'All we get from the yokels is whinge, whinge, bloody whinge. Haven't they ever heard of insurance?'
B) 'It must be an incredibly trying time for our cherished rural communities.'
C) 'It's all Blair's fault. If only he'd cut taxes for the rich landowners, they wouldn't have had to send their animals half way across the country to get slaughtered. Still, at least it gives us an excuse to keep the ramblers off our land, eh?'

If you answered mostly C's, you sound like just the sort of snobby, self-centred person that Sloane require. Start work next week, when you will be pitching for the business of a troubled international TV production company specialising in programmes on Royal history. If your answers were mostly B's, a less important PR company might be able to find you work. Those favouring A's are quite clearly already working for Sloane and wasting their time on here. Get the coffee made now, you pointless oik.

Related links:
News Headlines

London Diary Archive

- Music
- Theatre
- Clubs
- Cinema
- London Tips

HOTEL NEWS by Peter D. Clee

WE have been busy rolling out a redesign for the Hotel Shop. When I say we, I really mean Helenka, who has been chained to her desk for the duration. Thanks to her good work the first fruits of 'our' labour are ready. We chose to start with a few of our 'new signings'. Over the coming days and weeks the old timers will be freshened up too. Here are the new entries:

41, Buckingham Palace Road
Even the marble and panelled entrance to 41 won't prepare you for the sheer luxury of the hotel. From the executive club lounge to the cellar of fine wine, 41 strives to pamper its guests. A personal butler, dry cleaning, laundry or pressing services, gourmet meals and mini-bar items all come free of charge as part of the unique - to top London hotels at least - all-inclusive package.

The Chesterfield, Mayfair
Any hotel that offers internet access from all its rooms knows how to move with the times, although the Chesterfield's Georgian décor also respects the past. The hotel's health club is worth a visit.

The Hempel, Craven Hill Gdns
The Hempel is a thoroughly modern hotel that prides itself on high-tech chic. The brainchild of designer Anouska Hempel, this labour of love takes design seriously and fuses influences from around the world.

The Montague, Bloomsbury
This gracious hotel offers plenty of modern facilities. Whether you're here for business or pleasure, the gym, steam room and sauna are worth taking advantage of.

Rubens Hotel, Buckingham Palace
The Rubens prides itself on luxury. Sumptuously nestled close to St James's Park, the hotel offers all the peace you could wish for without compromising on easy access to tourist sites.

And don't forget our April special deals at The Gore:
UKP 105.00 Single Rooms
(standard price UKP 164)
UKP 116.00 Double for single occupancy
(standard price UKP 182)
UKP 131.00 Double
(standard price UKP 205)
Prices shown are inclusive of VAT and per room per night, valid until 30 April 2001

This week's hit-parade of the most popular hotels featured in our secure-booking site:

LondonNet's Top Five Hotels*:
1 (1) The Columbia
2 (4) Lincoln House
3 (-) Hazlitt's
4 (-) Melia
5 (5) La Reserve
(*based on bookings between 30 March - 12 April 2001. Previous issue's figures in brackets)

Related links
For the full range of London hotels now on offer please see:
For details of our office hours and contact info see our Helpdesk page at:
For details of over 350 European city hotels available on our sister site see:
TIP: To receive's regular newsletter "Wishes" with details of the latest European hotels added to the site send your email address to:
[email protected]

LONDON MUSIC by Catherine Chambers

Thursday April 19
Shepherds Bush Empire

Quiet is the new Loud. That's the message going out loud and clear. And not just via the new album title by Norwegian folk popsters Kings of Convenience.

The fascination with quiet versus loud dynamics has hit a high note - and recent packed shows from Low, inventors of slo-core and underground post-rock luminaries Yo La Tengo has shown that there's no chance of it slowing down. And then there's our own Slint-influenced sonic instrumentalists, Mogwai. Purveyors of tension-fuelled rhythms, the Glaswegians put themselves well and truly on the post-rock map with their last LP, 1999's Young Team. Strangely, then, their latest LP entitled Rock Action (also the name of Mogwai's own record label) displays none of the extreme noise terror we've come to expect from them.

It's all well and good being subtle, but Rock Action passes in a blur, so much so that it sounds more like background music than anything else. Gone are the unsettling tidal wave of guitars that triggered a blistering assault on the senses and knocked us for six. Instead we're handed a dose of aural aesthetic, with the seeming intention of putting us to sleep.

But then Mogwai have never been about compromise or craving massive record sales. Which is why they not only have a legion of devoted fans but also enjoy the respect of musicians such as Pavement's Stephen Malkmus who hailed them as the band for the 21st century. But are Mogwai geniuses of modern music or simply prolonging the post-rock evolution? Your call.

Mon April 16 Clearlake, Spitz
Hailing from Brighton, Clearlake display the same quirky indie rock tendencies as early Blur. When they stop droning on about how miserable life is, there's some interesting songs here that lifts them above the average indie chancers.

Tue, April 17, Papa Roach, One Minute Silence, Sunna
For those who haven't yet caught the PRoach bug that seems to be infesting itself everywhere count yourselves lucky. Nu-metal versus nu-metal, except Proach are million sellers and the infinitely superior homegrown OMS are not. Passion-fuelled angst rockers Sunna kick off the bill.

Tue April 17 Stephen Malkmus, Shepherds Bush Empire
Erstwhile Pavement singer showcases material from his excellent self-titled solo debut.

Tue, Wed, Thur 17-19 April, Less Than Jake
Florida ska-punkers play a three date residency at the Astoria. Expect most of the set to comprise tracks from their latest LP 'Breaks And Boundaries', released on Fat Wreck Chords, following their departure from major label Capitol.

Related Links:
Music Tickets:
You can book tickets for many of the top gigs in London through our online ticket shop:
For more live listings see:
For our music guide see:

LONDON THEATRE by Helena 'Spid' Thompson

In the spotlight
Fastidiously fine spoken as luvvies like to appear, it's the word 'thrift' that most sticks in the minds of those in the business. Now the skint can rejoice that the most imaginative shows around tend to be those with the lowest production costs.

Cheap if not so cheerful are the rehearsed readings of the late Sarah Kane's Phaedra's Love and Cleansed. The ever-practical Royal Court is using the set of Kane's gory debut, Blasted, to air some of her hardest to stage works. They leave the vultures, bonfires, rape and mass murders to the audiences' imagination but for less than a takeaway these two quid readings are guaranteed to put you off your dinner.

Fans of Joe Penhall, however, (a living playwright with a brighter world view) have more cause to be depressed by the cost of tickets for Blue/Orange, his award-winning National to Duchess transfer. But those willing to take an inexpensive risk can rejoice. Who knows what his latest play, Pale Horse at the Pentameter's theatre pub, is about - it's a dark horse well worth its cinema ticket price.

Unfortunately there's no substitute for the justifiably expensive all-authentic junk opera that is Shockheaded Peter. However, there are less costly mime artists out there whose bag of tricks is every bit as enticing. Fringe fanatics won't regret chosing Boesky's Choice at the Camden People's Theatre, where a small-scale company of impoverished clowners need not a word and very little pence to hold your attention. Necessity is most definitely the mother of invention.

Up and Coming
Blue /Orange, The Duchess Theatre, Leicester Square tube

Joe Penhall puts the NHS up for debate in his issue-bashing drama of institutional power games.

Semi-Monde, The Lyric Shaftesbury, Piccadilly Circus tube

Noel Coward dares to show his softer side in this glitzy staging of the play the censors banned.

Theatre Choice
Best Play:
Stones in his Pockets - Hollywood comes to provincial Ireland in this hilarious two-hander from Marie Jones
Best Musical: Cats - Lloyd Webber tames Eliot's feline poems
- For details, tickets and reviews see:

My Fair Lady
We have tickets!

For the show's run at the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane.

Related Links:
London Theatre Menu
London Theatre Tickets

LONDON CLUBS by Catherine Chambers

Fri April 13, Melonphunk, The Soundshaft, WC2 10pm-5am
Residents The Jackal and Dario Marquez are joined by guest DJ Rowan Blades for a night of progressive house.

Sat April 14, Type, The Cross, N1 10pm-6am,
Seb Fontaine returns for his first London residency in a while, pumping out hard house, with guests Lucienne Fort and Trisco.

Sat April 14, True Easter Special, Hanover Grand, W1 10pm-4.30am
Dreem Teem's DJ Spoony heads the DJ list, spinning top notch garage, while downstairs gets back to the old skool with Danny D, Bobbi and Steve. Dress up for this one!

Sat April 14, Outcaste, Notting Hill Arts Club W11 8pm-2am
Check out the latest Asian beats and funky sounds, complete with live tablas and beat box rapping.

Related Links:
Club Menu
Club Tickets - You can now book tickets for many of the top clubs in London through our online ticket shop:
Club Previews

LONDON CINEMA by Catherine Chambers

This Week's Big Releases

Bridget Jones's Diary *****
Director Sharon Maguire
Starring Renee Zellweger, Hugh Grant, Colin Firth

Single girl movie delivers multiple laughs... click here for full review

A Hard Day's Night ****
Director Richard Lester
Starring The Beatles, Wilfred Brambell

Filming of A Hard Day's Night began on March 6th, 1964 and the finished movie hit the cinemas only three months later... click here for full review

Spy Kids ****
Director Robert Rodriguez
Starring Antonio Banderas, Carla Gugino, Alan Cumming
New kids on the block Carmen and Juni Cortez are in trouble... click here for full review

Valentine ***
Director Jamie Blanks
Starring David Boreanaz, Denise Richards, Marley Shelton
Sit down, prepare to be shocked – it’s another teen slasher movie... click here for full review

Other new releases this week:

But I'm a Cheerleader ***
Director Jamie Babbit
Fun poked at Christian fundamentalists as attempts are made to de-dike a young girl. (15)

Mildred Pierce *****
Director Michael Curtiz
Joan Crawford suffers for her daughter in superb 1940s melodrama. (PG)

Related Links:

Cinema Menu
Film Listings - Full London listings with our easy to use guide

LONDON TIPS - Secrets of the City

Welcome to the section where Ahoy! readers submit their top tips for visitors to London and visitors ask for help. To ask a question or submit a tip for your fellow readers send us an email to:
[email protected]

Dear London Tips,

The White Horse pub in Brixton hosts a chill out session of relaxing music to sip your pint by from 4pm onwards this Sunday for those who prefer a boozer to church.

H, Oval

See you there (Ed).

Hello London Tips,

Don't go to London. It's full of infected sheep. You can spot them Monday to Friday between 7-9am and 4-7pm huddled together baaing in a, well sheepish manner about the state of the underground. As they're shepherded onto the already packed carriages.

Duane (Latimer Road, London, UK).

Yeah right (Ed).


News from London

News Headlines
London to Benefit from Foot and Mouth
- Tourists will plump for capital over countryside, say researchers
Shepard Fans Flock to the Donmar
- Mendes poaches another Sam for maverick theatre
Sport News
Three Points to the Premiership
- Fulham could go up at Huddersfield
News Talkback


LondonNet Home: The big kahuna
LondonNet News Headlines: Award winning updates from the capital of cool
Guide to London: "The must-see guide for visitors to London" -
Hotel Shop: LondonNet's selection of the best hotels in town
Ticket Shop: Theatre and Music Bookings and Helpdesk
Out on the Town: LondonNet's entertainment listings and features
Hotelgenie: Fine European city hotels


Bridget Jones COMPIE:
To celebrate the launch this week of the Bridget Jones movie we have a whole bunch of BJ merchandise to giveaway. Prizes vary from T-shirts to Diaries and Eye packs.

Question: Name the Texan actress who plays the title role in Bridget Jones?
Tip: Take a look at our film pages for the answer:

HOW TO ENTER: All you have to do is send an email with the correct answer and the subject header "Bridget Jones Compie" to:
[email protected],
NB Include email, telephone number and postal address (which will only be used for this compie-guaranteed). If you don't include your address we can't send you the prize!

RULES and INFO: First ten correct answers out of the Editor's hat win a prize, details will be sent to the winners. The Editor's decision is final. Closing Date: 20 April 2001.

Last Issues Competition Winners:
(29 March 2001, Ahoy)
Voodoo Lounge: Jags Virdi (Southall, Middx)
London Zoo: Sue Ross (London SW2), Claud Spence (London NW9)


AHOY! Readers say their piece: Send mail to [email protected]
Notes: The Editor reserves the right to amend your contributions for reasons of elegance, space, legality and plain sheer bloodymindedness. The following letters have been received direct here at Ahoy! Talkback or on our News Talkback forum. Join the diverse debate by sending us an email or posting a message on the forum:
We welcome your views on any subject, questions about your visit and of course feedback about the newsletter or website.

Dear LondonNet,

We have just returned from a trip to London. Foot and Mouth was not an issue for us while in London. Crowds were very managable. Our group got mid-day tickets for the Eye of London with little waiting.

We rented a car for 3 days went to Gloucester, Bath, Wells a few villages in between. Sights such as Stonehedge and Avebury were closed as well as most of the footpaths.

Had a little trouble finding B&Bs that had space as we did not book in advance. Some hadn't opened yet. Had plenty to do in this short period of time however. Unless you're keen on hiking or walking in the countryside, I would still go to the UK.

Spring is quite lovely there with the daffodils blooming and the leaves just beginning to come out. We also had absolutely no problem coming back in the US in customs and didn't have to disinfect our shoes or clothing. We had a lovely time in London with our school group.

Kathy, in Alaska

REPLY: Thankfully it seems the disease has peaked earlier than expected and the signs are that the number of new cases are decreasing daily. Various previously closed sights such as Stonehenge and the Royal Parks have re-opened and business is returning to normal. (Ed).

Subject: RE: LondonNet Easter Zoo Competition Winner

Wow! Thanks so much! I have never won anything before. I am sure we will have a great time.

Thanks again,
Sue xx

REPLY: Our pleasure Sue (Ed).


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