WHAT'S UP - What's new on LondonNet
LONDON for FREE: Bridget
TO CELEBRATE the launch this Easter weekend of the Bridget Jones
movie we have a whole bunch of BJ merchandise to giveaway. Prizes
vary from T-shirts to Diaries and Eye packs. Click
here for competition details.
LONDON DANCE: Romeo and
OUR FRIENDS down at the Royal Albert Hall have set aside a whole
pile of top draw tickets for June's run of Prokofiev's ballet
Romeo and Juliet. This acclaimed English National Ballet production
only plays for 11 nights so be sure to book your tickets soon.
For more info see:
To book tickets (020) 8949 5363 (from U.K.)
++44 20 8949 5363 (from overseas)
Our ticket office is open 9-5.30 Mon to Fri and 9.30-12.30 Sat
Or visit the Classical Ticket page:
LONDON THEATRE: My Fair
WE HAVE a selection of tickets for the hit show My Fair Lady's
run at the Theatre Royal Drury Lane (August to November 2001).
The latest incarnation of My Fair Lady starring Martine McCutcheon
has been well received by fans and critics alike.
To book, call us on:
(020) 8949 5363 (from U.K.)
++44 20 8949 5363 (from overseas)
Our ticket office is open 9-5.30 Mon to Fri and 9.30-12.30 Sat
Or visit the Theatre Ticket page:
LONDON DIARY by LondonNet's Editor David Clee:
P.R. Position Vacant
We like to help our readers
wherever possible, so this week we have suspended the usual column
to bring you a job advert on behalf of Sloane Communications,
one of London's leading PR agencies who are desperate to fill
a recently vacated position.
Sloane are keen to avoid unnecessary
applications and have stipulated that those wishing to apply
for their high-pay/low-hours job should complete the following
1. En route to an important
client meeting, you bump into an Arab sheik in a top London hotel.
What is your response?
A) Say you'll do anything in rubber if he gives you the keys
to his gold plated Rolls.
B) Ask how his racehorses are faring this season.
C) Insist on filling him in on your views of leading members
of the government.
2. There's just about time
for a haircut before your first meeting of the day at 4.00pm.
Do you ask the coiffeur to shape your barnet in the style of:
A) David Beckham?
B) That smartly-dressed one off of breakfast TV with the annoying
C) Princess Diana (not that you want to cadge off her glamorous
memory, of course not)?
3. It is clear you will have
to flirt to win the business of an important new client. Do you:
A) Grab him in the crotch region, adopt a wide-eyed look and
B) Tactfully undo an extra button of your blouse?
C) Show him some topless pictures of you with TV's Chris Tarrant?
4. Your mother-in-law phones
you on your mobile during an important client lunch. Your next
A) Yawn, roll your eyes in boredom and whisper 'It's only the
old dear on the blower again.'
B) Explain politely that you are in a meeting and that you'll
call back later.
C) Make it clear, through brazen name-dropping, that you have
been wise enough to marry into one of the country's leading families.
5. A highly creative launch
party - held in a delightful mock up of an abattoir - for a range
of shapeless waxed jackets with corduroy collars, is going particularly
well. Then someone asks your views on foot and mouth. What do
A) 'All we get from the yokels is whinge, whinge, bloody whinge.
Haven't they ever heard of insurance?'
B) 'It must be an incredibly trying time for our cherished rural
C) 'It's all Blair's fault. If only he'd cut taxes for the rich
landowners, they wouldn't have had to send their animals half
way across the country to get slaughtered. Still, at least it
gives us an excuse to keep the ramblers off our land, eh?'
If you answered mostly C's,
you sound like just the sort of snobby, self-centred person that
Sloane require. Start work next week, when you will be pitching
for the business of a troubled international TV production company
specialising in programmes on Royal history. If your answers
were mostly B's, a less important PR company might be able to
find you work. Those favouring A's are quite clearly already
working for Sloane and wasting their time on here. Get the coffee
made now, you pointless oik.
London Diary Archive
HOTEL NEWS by Peter D. Clee
WE have been busy rolling out
a redesign for the Hotel Shop. When I say we, I really mean Helenka,
who has been chained to her desk for the duration. Thanks to
her good work the first fruits of 'our' labour are ready. We
chose to start with a few of our 'new signings'. Over the coming
days and weeks the old timers will be freshened up too. Here
are the new entries:
41, Buckingham Palace Road
Even the marble and panelled entrance to 41 won't prepare you
for the sheer luxury of the hotel. From the executive club lounge
to the cellar of fine wine, 41 strives to pamper its guests.
A personal butler, dry cleaning, laundry or pressing services,
gourmet meals and mini-bar items all come free of charge as part
of the unique - to top London hotels at least - all-inclusive
The Chesterfield, Mayfair
Any hotel that offers internet access from all its rooms knows
how to move with the times, although the Chesterfield's Georgian
décor also respects the past. The hotel's health club
is worth a visit.
The Hempel, Craven Hill
The Hempel is a thoroughly modern hotel that prides itself on
high-tech chic. The brainchild of designer Anouska Hempel, this
labour of love takes design seriously and fuses influences from
around the world.
The Montague, Bloomsbury
This gracious hotel offers plenty of modern facilities. Whether
you're here for business or pleasure, the gym, steam room and
sauna are worth taking advantage of.
Rubens Hotel, Buckingham
The Rubens prides itself on luxury. Sumptuously nestled close
to St James's Park, the hotel offers all the peace you could
wish for without compromising on easy access to tourist sites.
And don't forget our April
special deals at The Gore:
UKP 105.00 Single Rooms
(standard price UKP 164)
UKP 116.00 Double for single occupancy (standard price UKP 182)
UKP 131.00 Double (standard
price UKP 205)
Prices shown are inclusive of VAT and per room per night,
valid until 30 April 2001
This week's hit-parade of the
most popular hotels featured in our secure-booking site:
LondonNet's Top Five
1 (1) The Columbia
2 (4) Lincoln House
3 (-) Hazlitt's
4 (-) Melia
5 (5) La Reserve
(*based on bookings between 30
March - 12 April 2001. Previous issue's figures in brackets)
For the full range of London hotels now on offer please see:
For details of our office hours and contact info see our Helpdesk
For details of over 350 European city hotels available on our
sister site Hotelgenie.com see:
TIP: To receive Hotelgenie.com's regular newsletter
"Wishes" with details of the latest European hotels
added to the site send your email address to:
LONDON MUSIC by Catherine Chambers
Thursday April 19
Shepherds Bush Empire
Quiet is the new Loud. That's
the message going out loud and clear. And not just via the new
album title by Norwegian folk popsters Kings of Convenience.
The fascination with quiet
versus loud dynamics has hit a high note - and recent packed
shows from Low, inventors of slo-core and underground post-rock
luminaries Yo La Tengo has shown that there's no chance of it
slowing down. And then there's our own Slint-influenced sonic
instrumentalists, Mogwai. Purveyors of tension-fuelled rhythms,
the Glaswegians put themselves well and truly on the post-rock
map with their last LP, 1999's Young Team. Strangely, then, their
latest LP entitled Rock Action (also the name of Mogwai's own
record label) displays none of the extreme noise terror we've
come to expect from them.
It's all well and good being
subtle, but Rock Action passes in a blur, so much so that it
sounds more like background music than anything else. Gone are
the unsettling tidal wave of guitars that triggered a blistering
assault on the senses and knocked us for six. Instead we're handed
a dose of aural aesthetic, with the seeming intention of putting
us to sleep.
But then Mogwai have never
been about compromise or craving massive record sales. Which
is why they not only have a legion of devoted fans but also enjoy
the respect of musicians such as Pavement's Stephen Malkmus who
hailed them as the band for the 21st century. But are Mogwai
geniuses of modern music or simply prolonging the post-rock evolution?
Mon April 16 Clearlake,
Hailing from Brighton, Clearlake display the same quirky indie
rock tendencies as early Blur. When they stop droning on about
how miserable life is, there's some interesting songs here that
lifts them above the average indie chancers.
Tue, April 17, Papa Roach,
One Minute Silence, Sunna
For those who haven't yet caught the PRoach bug that seems to
be infesting itself everywhere count yourselves lucky. Nu-metal
versus nu-metal, except Proach are million sellers and the infinitely
superior homegrown OMS are not. Passion-fuelled angst rockers
Sunna kick off the bill.
Tue April 17 Stephen Malkmus,
Shepherds Bush Empire
Erstwhile Pavement singer showcases material from his excellent
self-titled solo debut.
Tue, Wed, Thur 17-19 April,
Less Than Jake
Florida ska-punkers play a three date residency at the Astoria.
Expect most of the set to comprise tracks from their latest LP
'Breaks And Boundaries', released on Fat Wreck Chords, following
their departure from major label Capitol.
Music Tickets: You can book tickets for many of the
top gigs in London through our online ticket shop:
For more live listings see: http://www.londonnet.co.uk/ln/out/music/rockpoptickets.html
For our music guide see: http://www.londonnet.co.uk/ln/out/music/index.html
by Helena 'Spid' Thompson
In the spotlight
Fastidiously fine spoken
as luvvies like to appear, it's the word 'thrift' that most sticks
in the minds of those in the business. Now the skint can rejoice
that the most imaginative shows around tend to be those with
the lowest production costs.
Cheap if not so cheerful are
the rehearsed readings of the late Sarah Kane's Phaedra's
Love and Cleansed. The ever-practical Royal Court
is using the set of Kane's gory debut, Blasted, to air
some of her hardest to stage works. They leave the vultures,
bonfires, rape and mass murders to the audiences' imagination
but for less than a takeaway these two quid readings are guaranteed
to put you off your dinner.
Fans of Joe Penhall, however,
(a living playwright with a brighter world view) have more cause
to be depressed by the cost of tickets for Blue/Orange,
his award-winning National to Duchess transfer. But those willing
to take an inexpensive risk can rejoice. Who knows what his latest
play, Pale Horse at the Pentameter's theatre pub, is about
- it's a dark horse well worth its cinema ticket price.
Unfortunately there's no substitute
for the justifiably expensive all-authentic junk opera that is
Shockheaded Peter. However, there are less costly mime
artists out there whose bag of tricks is every bit as enticing.
Fringe fanatics won't regret chosing Boesky's Choice at
the Camden People's Theatre, where a small-scale company of impoverished
clowners need not a word and very little pence to hold your attention.
Necessity is most definitely the mother of invention.
Up and Coming
Blue /Orange, The Duchess
Theatre, Leicester Square tube
Joe Penhall puts the NHS up for debate in his issue-bashing drama
of institutional power games.
Semi-Monde, The Lyric
Shaftesbury, Piccadilly Circus tube
Noel Coward dares to show his softer side in this glitzy staging
of the play the censors banned.
Best Play: Stones
in his Pockets - Hollywood
comes to provincial Ireland in this hilarious two-hander from
Best Musical: Cats - Lloyd Webber tames Eliot's feline
- For details, tickets and reviews see: http://www.londonnet.co.uk/ln/out/ent/theatre.html
My Fair Lady
We have tickets!
For the show's run at the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane.
London Theatre Menu
London Theatre Tickets
LONDON CLUBS by Catherine Chambers
Fri April 13, Melonphunk,
The Soundshaft, WC2 10pm-5am
Residents The Jackal and Dario Marquez are joined by guest DJ
Rowan Blades for a night of progressive house.
Sat April 14, Type, The
Cross, N1 10pm-6am,
Seb Fontaine returns for his first London residency in a while,
pumping out hard house, with guests Lucienne Fort and Trisco.
Sat April 14, True Easter
Special, Hanover Grand, W1 10pm-4.30am
Dreem Teem's DJ Spoony heads the DJ list, spinning top notch
garage, while downstairs gets back to the old skool with Danny
D, Bobbi and Steve. Dress up for this one!
Sat April 14, Outcaste,
Notting Hill Arts Club W11 8pm-2am
Check out the latest Asian beats and funky sounds, complete with
live tablas and beat box rapping.
Club Tickets - You can now book tickets for many
of the top clubs in London through our online ticket shop:
LONDON CINEMA by Catherine Chambers
This Week's Big Releases
Bridget Jones's Diary *****
Director Sharon Maguire
Starring Renee Zellweger, Hugh Grant, Colin Firth
Single girl movie delivers multiple laughs... click
here for full review
A Hard Day's Night ****
Director Richard Lester
Starring The Beatles, Wilfred Brambell
Filming of A Hard Day's Night began on March 6th, 1964 and the
finished movie hit the cinemas only three months later...
click here for full
Spy Kids ****
Director Robert Rodriguez
Starring Antonio Banderas, Carla Gugino, Alan Cumming
New kids on the block Carmen
and Juni Cortez are in trouble... click
here for full review
Director Jamie Blanks
Starring David Boreanaz, Denise Richards, Marley Shelton
Sit down, prepare to be
shocked its another teen slasher movie... click here for full review
Other new releases this
But I'm a Cheerleader ***
Director Jamie Babbit
Fun poked at Christian fundamentalists as attempts are made to
de-dike a young girl. (15)
Mildred Pierce *****
Director Michael Curtiz
Joan Crawford suffers for her daughter in superb 1940s melodrama.
Film Listings - Full London listings with our easy
to use guide
LONDON TIPS - Secrets of the City
Welcome to the section where
Ahoy! readers submit their top tips for visitors to London and
visitors ask for help. To ask a question or submit a tip for
your fellow readers send us an email to:
Dear London Tips,
The White Horse pub in Brixton
hosts a chill out session of relaxing music to sip your pint
by from 4pm onwards this Sunday for those who prefer a boozer
See you there (Ed).
Hello London Tips,
Don't go to London. It's full
of infected sheep. You can spot them Monday to Friday between
7-9am and 4-7pm huddled together baaing in a, well sheepish manner
about the state of the underground. As they're shepherded onto
the already packed carriages.
Duane (Latimer Road, London,
Yeah right (Ed).
News from London
London to Benefit from Foot and Mouth
- Tourists will plump for capital over countryside, say researchers
Shepard Fans Flock to the Donmar
- Mendes poaches another Sam for maverick theatre
Three Points to the Premiership
- Fulham could go up at Huddersfield
LondonNet Home: The big kahuna
LondonNet News Headlines: Award winning updates from the capital
Guide to London: "The must-see guide for visitors
to London" - msn.co.uk
Hotel Shop: LondonNet's selection of the best
hotels in town
Ticket Shop: Theatre and Music Bookings and Helpdesk
Out on the Town: LondonNet's entertainment listings
Hotelgenie: Fine European city hotels
Bridget Jones COMPIE:
To celebrate the launch this week of the Bridget Jones movie
we have a whole bunch of BJ merchandise to giveaway. Prizes vary
from T-shirts to Diaries and Eye packs.
Question: Name the Texan actress who plays the
title role in Bridget Jones?
Tip: Take a look at our film pages for the answer:
HOW TO ENTER: All you have to do is send an email
with the correct answer and the subject header "Bridget
Jones Compie" to:
NB Include email, telephone number and postal address
(which will only be used for this compie-guaranteed). If you
don't include your address we can't send you the prize!
RULES and INFO: First ten correct answers out of the
Editor's hat win a prize, details will be sent to the winners.
The Editor's decision is final. Closing Date: 20 April 2001.
Last Issues Competition
(29 March 2001,
Voodoo Lounge: Jags Virdi (Southall, Middx)
London Zoo: Sue Ross (London SW2), Claud Spence (London
AHOY! Readers say their piece:
Send mail to [email protected]
Notes: The Editor reserves the right to amend your contributions
for reasons of elegance, space, legality and plain sheer bloodymindedness.
The following letters have been received direct here at Ahoy!
Talkback or on our News Talkback forum. Join the diverse debate
by sending us an email or posting a message on the forum: http://talkback.londonnet.co.uk/
We welcome your views on any subject, questions about your visit
and of course feedback about the newsletter or website.
We have just returned from
a trip to London. Foot and Mouth was not an issue for us while
in London. Crowds were very managable. Our group got mid-day
tickets for the Eye of London with little waiting.
We rented a car for 3 days
went to Gloucester, Bath, Wells a few villages in between. Sights
such as Stonehedge and Avebury were closed as well as most of
Had a little trouble finding
B&Bs that had space as we did not book in advance. Some hadn't
opened yet. Had plenty to do in this short period of time however.
Unless you're keen on hiking or walking in the countryside,
I would still go to the UK.
Spring is quite lovely there
with the daffodils blooming and the leaves just beginning to
come out. We also had absolutely no problem coming back in the
US in customs and didn't have to disinfect our shoes or clothing.
We had a lovely time in London with our school group.
Kathy, in Alaska
REPLY: Thankfully it seems
the disease has peaked earlier than expected and the signs are
that the number of new cases are decreasing daily. Various previously
closed sights such as Stonehenge and the Royal Parks have re-opened
and business is returning to normal. (Ed).
Subject: RE: LondonNet Easter
Zoo Competition Winner
Wow! Thanks so much! I have
never won anything before. I am sure we will have a great time.
REPLY: Our pleasure Sue (Ed).
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